


Light and Shadow

by Cat__nevermind



Category: Lost
Genre: M/M, jawyer
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-26
Updated: 2017-05-03
Packaged: 2018-10-24 07:23:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10736922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cat__nevermind/pseuds/Cat__nevermind
Summary: In which Sawyer doesn't give a fuck and Jack knows it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I know I'm kinda late posting lost stuff now but I'm just addicted right now.... And these two have a lot of sexual tension...like seriously.... Enjoy!

If it hadn't been for Jack, Sawyer would have died that night.  
He knew it and it bugged him, drove him crazy, made him want to beat the shit out of the doctor's stupid face. 

He was sweating and shaking and unconscious right in front of him but Sawyer couldn't help him, couldn't do one damn thing to make him feel better. Not that he wanted to.  
It was simply the guilt, the knowledge that he owed him, that the doc was fighting the burning fever because of Sawyer's stupidity and Jack's hero complex. Sawyer's failure and Jack's good heart, and nothing else.

And it bothered the conman, it bothered him that he couldn't walk away, couldn't stick to his rules, to being himself, being Sawyer. Every man for himself, he thought, and he believed it, truly, with every broken piece of his black and evil heart. Still, he couldn't walk away.

After the shot had hit him, had made him fall down on the ground next to Sawyer's feet, the blond had picked him up and carried him all the way down to the beach. There he had collapsed in the wet sand, struggling to breathe and trying to figure it out, figure out what to do.

Only then he had realized that his hands had been working without his permission, wiping away the blood on the doc's shoulder with his shirt, pressing the wound to stop the fucking bleeding. Several hours had passed by now and his hands were still covered in red although he had been washing away the doc's sweat all tge time, the cold and salty water made the skin in between fingers feel wrinkly and dry, still the other man didn't seem to cool down at all.

And Sawyer couldn't help but think that he should be the one lying in the sand, wounded and bleeding, simply because the doctor would have been able to help him, to save him. 

"Every man for himself, dammit doc!", he hissed because if it hadn't been for his stupid hero complex, he wouldn't be dying right now. If not for his stupid hero complex, he wouldn't have jumped in front of the conman, taking the fucking bullet.  
If not for Jack's hero complex, Sawyer would have been dead by now. 

He wished that there'd at least be something he could do. Drag him back to camp maybe, if only he knew where the hell they were. If only someone could come and help.  
The bullet he had taken out of the doctor's shoulder was resting cold and heavy on the palm of his hand. He resisted the strong urge of throwing it away into the sea. 

"Dammit, chief, I can't do this. I can't help you, I can't..."  
...let you die.  
He slammed the bullet onto the ground.  
"I can't let you die for me", he whispered, eyes closed and nothing but Jack's heavy breathing and the sound of the ocean around him. "I'm a bad person. You of all people should know. I don't... I don't deserve this. A good person, like you, dying because of someone like me." He inhaled sharply. 

"Please don't die, Jack. Please don't."

His head was aching and his body was sore, every inch of it screaming at him to rest, every muscle desperate to relax. He wasn't only unable to walk away, he couldn't even lay down next to the unconscious man.  
Because there was a part of his abandoned heart that wasn't all black, a part that did care and was desperate to stay awake, to stay with Jack. 

Live together, die alone, he thought and the irony made him grin slightly. But he wasn't going to let Jack die alone. 

Sawyer reached out to pour some more water over his face as the next wave sprinkled around his ankles. The doctor turned his head and mumbled quietly, his hand grabbing Sawyer's other wrist, the one that was placed on the ground next to his chest. The conman felt a sudden rush of adrenaline pulsing through his veins. 

"Hey! Hey, you're awake? You hear me?" He turned in the direction of Sawyer's voice, eyes shut and his face covered in pain and fear. He mumbled again but Sawyer couldn't understand him, couldn't figure out what the doctor was trying to say.  
"You're okay, doc. What is it? What'd you say?" 

"Sawyer...", he whispered. The blond felt for the doctor's face, his skin burning beneath his fingers. "Yeah, I'm here." He swallowed hard. "You saved my life, chief." 

It was the conman speaking, just as always, but he could feel that the part of him that still was able to feel, the boy inside who had watched his parents die, James, he wanted to talk as well.  
And it was weird and unfamiliar and wrong, it bugged him but he couldn't help it. 

"Live together, die alone, Jack", he whispered. Then he intertwined his fingers with the doctor's, already praying he hadn't heard him. "But I'm not alone." Jack's voice was hoarse and shaking but Sawyer realized he was trying to joke.  
"Yeah, well, you're not gonna die." 

"Are you sure?" And it wasn't the hero speaking, not this time. Just like it hadn't been Sawyer but James, this wasn't hero-complex-doctor-good, it was simply Jack. And he was scared and cold and afraid, and he knew that the other man knew.  
"Yeah. I am." He liked the way his hand fitted in Jack's. 

"I promise."

As the waves kept crashing against the island's shore, the two men stayed where they were. And James knew he wouldn't walk away. Not because he owed Jack, not because of the guilt. But because he didn't want to. It was simple and stupid and hurtful and true. He didn't want to walk away anymore.  
And all at once, live together, die alone didn't sound that bad to him at all.


	2. Chapter 2

_"Hey Sawyer!"_

_He didn't look up_   _from_ Watership Down _._ _"Bring it on, doc."_

_He heard the familiar sigh and couldn't hide his grin.  
_

_"I need a gun."_

 

_"What?"_

_"Look, I know you got them. I need one, give it to me. Now."_

_Sawyer looked at him and asked: "What'd you need a gun for, chief?"  The expression in the doctor's eyes already told him anyways._

_Determined. Angry. Annoyed. Full on hero-mode._

 

_"It doesn't matter."_

_"It does."_

_"No, it doesn't. So you're gonna give one to me or not? 'Cause one way or another, I'll get one."_

_"One? So you're going on a suicide mission on your own?" "It's not a suicide mission."_

 

 _Sawyer's grin widened. He could read him like_ Watership Down _, even better, 'cause he didn't need any glasses to see him clearly._

_"Does Freckles know about it? And Captain Torture-me?"_

_"No, I didn't tell Kate and Sayid. Just give me the stupid gun!"_

 

_"I ain't gonna give you no gun if it'll cause you getting shot like a boar in the jungle."_

_There it was again, the famous sigh._

_"What do you want, Sawyer?"_

 

_He closed the book and stood up, totally aware of the fact that he was taller than the other man and totally taking advantage of it._

_"You ain't gonna run off into the jungle with a gun I gave you."_

_"Listen, I -" "_ Unless _. Unless I come with you."_

_The look on his face was incredible._

 

_"You?"_

_"Yeah, me. I'll give you the gun if I come with you."_

_Famous sigh._

_"Why?"_

 

_"'Cause I ain't gonna be the one who gave you the gun that got you killed."_

_He gave him an innocent smile. "And if you managed to get yourself killed, I'd be stuck with Mister Terrorist taking the lead and I sure as hell trust you more than I_ _trust him." The doc looked up at Sawyer, confusion covering his face._

_"Don't flatter yourself, doesn't mean I trust you at all."_

 

_The doctor sighed again and Swayer made an imaginary note. Number four._

_Then he nodded. "Fine. Get the guns and we'll head out in half an hour."_

_"Alrighty."_

 

_Jack was already half the way out when he called him back._

_"Ey, doc! What are we even looking for?"_

_Their eyes met and the determination in Jack's seemed to sparkle through the whole tent._

 

_"We're gonna find that bearded bastard. And we're gonna kill him."_

 

 

 

"You could've done worse", Jack announced as he looked up from his injured shoulder.

Sawyer, who had washed out the shirt that had become a bandage, smiled slightly and shrugged.

"Looks like you ain't the only doctor in town."

"Nah, you're more like a nurse, aren't you?"

For a few seconds he was speechless. "You just made a joke"

Jack grinned and although he was tired, he looked satisfied with himself.

  
"You just insulted me to make a joke. Although you're a dying mess. Wow."

Sawyer grinned as well. "The longer we're out here, the better I like you, chief."

After he had put on the bandage again he sat down next to him in the sand, the sun had dried their skin by now and all that remained was the salty taste.

 

"The fever's not gone yet", Jack mumbled, leaning his head back.

"You think you can make it back to camp?"

The doctor shrugged. "I can try."

 

Sawyer knew this was doctor hero-complex and not the same man as last night and he knew he wasn't ready to walk.

"Nah, let's rest some more. I'll get some fruit and you just perfect the art of doing nothing, alright?"

For a second it seemed like he was going to disagree but then he sighed, a different sigh though, exhausted and tired.

"Fine, nurse Sawyer, I'll do my best."

 

 

 

_"So that's it?"_

_The hot and humid air made it hard to breathe._

_"We're just randomly running through the jungle, hoping grandpa Imma-shoot-you shows up?"_

_Sawyer wiped away the sweat from his forehead, trying to move the hair away from his eyes._

 

_"I know where we're going, Sawyer", was the only answer he got from the doctor._

_Jack hadn't slowed down at all, his brown shirt was soaked with sweat and there were scratches all over his arms._

_"'Course you do", Sawyer hissed. He was slowly starting to get tired of the pointless hiking._

 

 _"Yeah, Sawyer, I_ know _where we're going. We'd be faster if you shut up."_

_Now it was his turn to sigh in annoyance._

_"You can go back anytime you want, you know."_

 

 _It did sound good to him, heading back to camp, reading some_ Watership Down _and enjoying Locke's boar._

_He considered it for a second, then he sighed again._

_Two to six for Jack._

 

_"We'd be faster if you shut up", he growled and followed the doctor through the jungle._

 

 

 

The taste of mango and salt lingered on Sawyer's tongue, his chest was covered in sand and juice and blood. Jack's blood. The doctor was sitting right next to him, digging his bare feet into the sand and staring at the horizon.

Sawyer inhaled deeply before he started to talk: "So, uhm, Jack."

His eyes met the other's, black and dark and out of place in the doctor's face.

"Yeah?"

"Why'd you do it?"

He glanced down at his fingers, obliviously rubbing away the dirt.

 

"Why'd you take the bullet? We both know it would've hit me right in the heart, so why'd you take it?"

His voice sounded just like always, it was only the fact that he wasn't used to showing emotions, to feeling emotions that made evrything feel so fucking uncomfortable. Jack started to stare at the ocean again, thinking about Sawyer's question and then he shrugged and smiled, looking back a him.

"Guess it was some kind of a reflex. Lucky for you, I'd say."

 

Sawyer knew he wasn't serious and he knew he was lying.

_You really think I couldn't sense you lying, Jacky-boy? I read you like a book._

On the other hand he still didn't know _why_ , couldn't figure it out.

 

Maybe reading _Watership Down was_ easier than reading Jack Shephard.

 

"Alright then. How you feeling? Bad? Terrible? Shit?"

"Is that supposed to be a scale?"

Sawyer grinned widely.

 

"It's supposed to be a joke, doctor saving-reflex."

Jack shook his head and sighed again, wiping away the sweat on his forehead.

"I feel alright. Still hurts. Still feeling dizzy."

 

He shrugged again and then suddenly raised his head to look at Sawyer.

"You're a terrible nurse. But, uhm, I appreciate you're not just leaving."

"What kinda man do you think I am?"

 

He made sure Jack would see he was offended.

"I don't know, Sawyer. You tell me."

His eyes were like obsidian, black and hard and scarily dark. For a second he considered giving the reaction the doctor was aiming for but then he grinned and looked away.

"You know I'm the bad guy, Jack. That's why you ordered Mohammed to torture me, didn't you?"

 

Jack flinched a little at his words and it was satisfying but not as satisfying as it had used to be.

"If I'd think you're the bad guy, why would I take a bullet for you?', he asked quietly and Sawyer figuered that he wasn't the one being questioned.

Jack had no clue, just like him, and he hated it, just like Sawyer did.

 

The conman's gaze hit the contours of his shoulders and for a few seconds he was unable to look away.

Sawyer had laid with men before, fewer than he had with women but still, having no real preferences in gender made the whole con-thing much easier.

Still, this was different.

 

He bit his tongue as he stood up quickly.

 _Don't ever do that again_ , he threatened his feelings.

"I'll get some more wood for the fire", he mumbled and then took off into the jungle, fleeing from Jack's oblivious stare into the distance and the way the setting sun hit his face.

 

 

 

_He nearly bumped into Jack._

_"The fuck you -" "Shush!"_

_The doctor raised his hand and for once Sawyer simply did as he was told and closed his mouth again._

 

_For a few seconds there was nothing but his and Jack's heavy breathing._

_Now that the sun was gone the whole jungle looked way scarier than before. And suddenly he could hear it._

_Steps and leaves silently brushing against cloth._

 

_Jack's eyes met his and he nodded sowly. His fingers carefully pulling the gun out of the back of his pants, he walked over to where he thought the noise was coming from._

_"Sawyer, don't!", Jack hissed at him but he couldn't turn around to tell him to fuck off, couldn't even hear how the doctor finished his sentence._

_Sawyer felt something hard and painful on the back of his head and the next thing he saw was darkness._

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

 

He wondered if the doctor was asleep. His breath was steady and he could feel his chest rising and falling so close to his own, arms nerly touching, the heat of the fever warm upon Sawyer's skin. He could turn his head, he could ask, he could make clear he was still awake but he couldn't see its use and couldn't give in to the part of him that demanded him to.

So Sawyer found himself staring up at the night sky, stars and a fading moon, dark and heavy pressing down on him the longer he looked at it.

"They're different here."

"What?"

He flinched a little at Jack's words, his voice was deep and husky but more awake than it had been the whole day.

"The stars. Different constellations."

"You sure?"

His eyes focused on the stars again, trying to find a familiar looking constallation but failed. Jack moved and for a second their shoulders touched and it sent a chill down Sawyer's spine, a good one though, definitely a good one.

"Used to watch them with my father. When I was a boy."

Although they weren't exactly close, Sawyer knew that Jack and his father had had a rather difficult realtion, so for some stupid reason he decided to share something equaly personal.

"Mine died too, y'know. When _I_ was a boy."

Jack stayed silent for a moment, then Sawyer felt him turning his head.

"I'm sorry. It was hard for me a few weeks ago - though we didn't even talk."

He couldn't bring himself to turn his head as well.

"Yeah, well, it wasn't exactly the best day of my life."

 

Jack chuckled quietly and Sawyer actually managed a grin.

"Guess we both have to get back home to our moms just to take care of them."

It was a joke, simply a joke but he couldn't roll with it, his mouth was dry and his tongue tired, desperately searching for the right words to say. So he let the conman take over and burried the feelings inside.

"I ain't got nothing to go back to, Jacky-boy."

It didn't sound as convincing as it used to though. And then he turned his head, without a real explanation, just because it felt like the right thing to do. Jack's eyes were dark and deep, he figured that inside he wasn't doctor hero-complex but the leader who had decided to let him be tortured in order to save someone's life. 

"You want to tell me?"

It suddenly stroke him like lightning that he had never told anyone. His whole life built up on one purpose and no one he had ever shared it with. Only the letter. Only the guy in Sydney. The one he had killed in cold blood. He swallowed hard.

"No. I don't"

 

Jack blinked and shrugged and then smiled carefully.

"I'm not the talking kinda guy either actually. They seem to forget it sometimes."

_They_. The other survivers. They seemed to be so far away right now. A different island, a different universe maybe.

 

"Yeah, I figured. You're more the kinda guy who orders to torture people, aren't ya?"

"You could've just said you don't have the inhaler, you know."

"Yeah." He leaned his head back.

"I guess I could've."

 

"Why are you still here?", Jack suddenly asked, eyes still locked with Sawyer's.

"'Cause you saved my life, doc. I'm a man of honour, y'know."

He shook his head and sighed - once again.

"Seriously, Sawyer, why are you still here?"

 

He liked the way he said his name. It didn't sound like he was the hated guy he aimed to play. Like he was an asshole maybe but not hated by everyone.

Not hated by Jack.

He also liked the thought of not being hated by him.

"There's only one person in the world I'd kill without thinking twice", he whispered.

"It's not you."

 

Jack seemed confused but not too much, so he nodded slowly. "Guess that makes sense."

"Guess it does", Sawyer agreed.

They didn't talk for a few minutes, simply listening to the sound of the ocean and their breath combined. Sawyer found himself staring at Jack's naked shoulder, his tatoos and wondered how they matched up with doctor hero-comlex.

There was no way they would and he could only think of the furious leader who had watched him being trotured and how they did fit _this_ Jack.

 

"I like your tats, doc."

He grinned and tasted sand on the top of his tongue. Jack sighed in a rather sarcastic way and shook his head.

"You have any?"

Sawyer returned the gesture. "Nah, ain't nothing for me. Don't like the permanent part."

"Too much of a risk, huh?"

His grin widened a little. "Guess you could say that. Any deep meanings behind yours?"

"Kinda. I got in trouble because of the chinese one once."

"I see. It probably says something offensive and you don't even know."

"I _know_ what it says."

"Course you do."

 

Jack chuckled quietly and tried to get more comfortable.

"We can head for camp at sunrise. I'll be fine."

Sawyer supressed a yawn. "Whatever you say, doc."

"You know, I like you better like this."

"Like what?"

"Less aggressive. More... the real you."

"Could say the same thing about you, chief."

 

"They wouldn't want us to be like this", he whispered.

Sawyer looked at him, his eyes, his sad smile, his lips.

"I don't give a fuck about them."

Jack's smile grew into a rather happy one.

"I know", he whispered.

 

And Sawyer knew what he needed to do.

 

Their lips crashed against each other like two magnets that had been held apart for too long, a positive and a negative pole, literally in every sense of meaning. Where Sawyer was rough, Jack was soft and the other way around, everything different, upside down.

And he loved it, the way Jack's hand fitted in his like a missing piece of an unfinished puzzle and how his eyes were sparkling when they met Jack's which were dark as the night around them.

Their lips crashed together like the waves rolling on the shore, the ocean stroking the island.

Sawyer knew that he was surrounding the light in his chest with shadow, whilst Jack's glowing silhouette hid the dark inside.

Messed up and upside down, positive and negative, and ocean and shore.

The doctor moaned quietly, his hands reaching out for Sawyer, pulling around his neck and running through his hair. His stroke softly over Jack's collar bones, still not fully aware of the fact that he was here and real and close enough to touch.

 

_They_ sure as hell wouldn't want them to be like this.

 

"I don't give a fuck about them", he repeated and felt Jack's lips move against his, forming a smile.

He sighed obliviously but this time it was excited and hot and filled with the overwhelming desire Sawyer felt as well.

 "I know", Jack whispered hoarsly.

  
"I know."

 


End file.
